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My Fair Hatey/Transcript
Part 1 (The curtain is signing Wander Over Yonder logo and the curtain opens to reveal Lord Hater has captured Wander, who is fastened to a tilted surface by his wrists and ankles.) Lord Hater: (evil laughter) AT LAST! After all this time, I, Lord Hater, have my most hated foe in my clutches! The moment of reckoning is at hand! (Hater slams both hands on the surface and scratches it hard.) Lord Hater: I have but one question for you... what do you think this means? (holds up a letter) Wander: "The vile Lord Dominator demands the presence of Lord Hater..." (reading quickly) "...aboard her ship..." (reading quickly) "...at once... don't be late." That sounds like a date! Lord Hater: That's what I said, but Peepers said I was stupid. Okay, look, I'm the greatest in the galaxy. Dominator's probably already in love with me, but this has to go even more perfect than usual. So I thought, Wander knows all about this lovey-dovey junk. So maybe you could, you know, (grumbling) help me out or whatever. Wander: Excuse me? I have something in my eye. (He tears up) They're tears of joy! Lord Hater: Oh, you gotta be all Wander-y about it. Wander: No, No, NO! (breaks free from the surface) I've got it under control. (His pupils turn into vacuum cleaners and suck up his tears. When he blinks, his pupils go back to normal.) So what do you know about her? Lord Hater: Well, I know she's already seen my sweet car, my awesome band, and of course, my rockin' bod. (shows his skeleton abs) Wander: Uh-huh. But what does she like? Lord Hater: Um, me. I don't understand the question. (Song: Ask Her A Question) Wander: The heart of a lady Is a mysterious thing... (singing faster) that scientists have wrestled in for years... Lord Hater: Wait. What's happening? (Freeze-frame, title card appears and romantic music is heard) Wander: (singing) Your approach so far has lacked a certain gentlemanly tact. It's time to reassess your presentation, redirect your conversations with... her... Lord Hater: I have no idea what you're singing about. Wander: What I mean is... Ask....her...a...question! Lord Hater: A question? Wander: Something about herself, a question! Lord Hater: A question? Wander: You gotta focus on someone else. A question! Lord Hater: '''A question? '''Wander: (Singing) Something to show her that you'd really like to get to know her, Then listen... Lord Hater: Listen?! Wander: Hear what she has to say and follow up... Lord Hater: Huh? Wander: With some appropriate repartee then listen... Lord Hater: More listening?! Wander: And always remember there's a heart inside that scary armor. There's no shortage of fellas... (Watchdogs: No shortage of fellas...) Who prattle on and on about themselves... (On and on about themselves...) Flex their muscles and pump up their chests. Well, that's a perfect way to bore a lady to death. A question. Lord Hater: Again?! Wander: Something about herself, a question! Lord Hater: I did! Wander: You gotta focus on someone else. If you wanna win her, Show some interest in her. If you wanna date her, Try to formulate a question. (speaking) All right, Hater. Give it a shot! Lord Hater: Um, okay. Have you ever noticed how incredibly impressive I am? Wander: No! (ZAP!) Lord Hater: Who wants to date the galaxy's most charismatic dictator? You do! Wander: Try again''.'' (ZAP!) Lord Hater: What's your favorite... Wander: ''(muffled)'' Uh-huh? Lord Hater: ...one of my many, many outstanding traits? Mine's my humility! Wander:'' (sighs)'' No! (ZAP!) Wander: From the top! There's no shortage of fellas... (Watchdogs: No shortage of fellas...) Who prattle on and on about themselves''...'' (On and on about themselves...) (Singing) Flex their muscles and pump up their chests. Well, that's a perfect way to bore a lady to death. (As Wander sings the last verse, the music seems to be slowing down as the camera pans down to the the prison, where we see Sylvia is asleep inside the cell.) Sylvia: Wander, can you hold the singing for just five for minutes? (her eyes open wide) ''What the?! Hater's prison?! How did- Oh, it's gonna be one of those days. ''(Sylvia kicks the cell door open and runs as fast as she can.) Sylvia: Don't worry, buddy! I'll have us out of here faster than you can say... (notices Commander Peepers in the war room) what now? Peepers: I don't get it. Dominator keeps destroying planets she could be conquering. But why? What am I not seeing? Sylvia: ME! (picks up Peepers) Now where's Wander? Wander: (Singing, on-screen) If you wanna win her, Show some interest in her. If you wanna date her, try to formulate a question. Sylvia: (Sighs) Always with the singing. Peepers: But I'm going to use that to my advantage. Your idiot and my idiot are teaming up to ask Dominator out, leaving her wide open to attack by my indomitable Watchdog army! Sylvia: You mean that Watchdog army? (Wander is dancing with the Watchdog Army) Peepers: (Groans and slaps his face) No matter. I don't need them. My plan is foolproof! (Song: That's How We'll Get Her) Peepers: I've done extensive research on our good friend, Dominator. You see, her whole fleet's powered by volcanic excavator. So I'll apply frostonium to this pyroregulator. And completely discombobulate her army's power center. Divide by nine, halve the sine, adjust for Y, easy as pie! Watch her forces crumble before my strategic eye! That's how I'll get her! (how I'll get her!) That's how I'll get her! I'll sneak into her engine room and freeze her core, That's how I'll get her! (how I'll get her!) That's how I'll get her! Once I get her, Dominator will bother us no more! (stomps on the miniature hologram of Dominator) Sylvia: Did you just sing that? Peepers: What?! No! (stammers) Don't be ridiculous! Sylvia: Well, it's a cute plan. It's just, uh... Peepers: "Just uh..." "Just uh..." what? Sylvia: It's nothing, no, this all sounds great. It really is quite charming. You're just forgetting, I dunno, her massive flarpin' army! You clearly put some thought into your big old plan to get her, but how you gonna pull it off with bots up in your retina? Listen, Peeps, her bot army will punt ya cross the galaxy! With such a massive peeper, Peepers, how can't you see you'll never get her? ('''Peepers:' Yes, I'll get her!)'' You'll never get her! Your wits alone won't win this interplanetary war! You'll never get her! ('''Peepers:' Sure,'' I'll get her!) You'll never get her, 'cause she's better! You go in there and you will be no more! (stomps on Peepers) Peepers: Okay, okay, you definitely sang that last part. Sylvia: Well, so did you! I was only followin' your lead. Peepers: Wait! Follow my lead! That's it! I may not stand a chance against Dominator's bots, but you could fight them to a standstill! (brings up a pair of powerful, golden gauntlets) Sylvia: While you install the frostonium and freeze her army! No, this is crazy. Peepers: Desperate times call for desperate measures! Are you a man or are you a zbornak? (holds the gauntlets up to Sylvia) Sylvia: All right, I'm in! (puts on the gauntlets) Sylvia and Peepers: That's how we'll get her! That's how we'll get her! Peepers: Once we get her, Sylvia and Peepers: Dominator will bother us no mooooooooooooooooooooooorrre! (Spoken) Great! But no singing! (Screen cuts to black, then opens to Wander) Wander: AGAIN!! (ZAP!) Lord Hater: Uh... Look at this muscle! Pretty cool, right? DATE ME! (ZAP!) Wander: AGAIN! Lord Hater: Who's your favorite electrical skeleton man? (ZAP!) Wander: AGAIN! Lord Hater: RAAAAAAAH!!!!!! '''This is so hard! I mean, what does she even like? What is she into? What are her favorite things to do? '''Wander: Hater... Lord Hater: (frustrated yell) If I only knew that, then I could think of a stupid question to ask her! Wander: Hater, that was a question about someone other than yourself. (gasps) You actually care about somebody else! Lord Hater: I Do? I DO! (Song: Let's All Go Meet Dominator) Wander: I think you've got it! Hater: '''Just can't wait to tell her I think she's tops! '''Peepers: '''You've got it! '''Sylvia: '''She's a lunatic and needs to be stopped! '''Hater: '''I've got it! Hope she likes me! '''Wander: I believe in you, Hater! All: Let's all go meet Dominator! Peepers: Dominator thinks she's got us trapped in her clutches... Sylvia: 'Til she meets the Lady Haymaker and the Duchess! Peepers: I'll cut the lights! Sylvia: ''' A left! A right! '''Peepers: Hack the PC... Sylvia: And one of these! Peepers and Sylvia: And so long, Dominator! Get out of our galaxy! Wander and Hater: Here we go! Wander: Now don't forget to speak from the heart. Sylvia and Peepers: Here we go! Sylvia: We'll tear her robot army apart! Wander and Hater: Here we go! Sylvia and Peepers: I can't believe they think that he's gonna date her. Wander and Hater: Let's all go meet Dominator! Sylvia and Peepers: Let's all go beat Dominator! All: Let's all go meet Dominator now! Now! Nooooooowwwwww! Wander: Here we go! (Screen cuts to black, commercial break.) Part 2 (Opens to the inside of Dominator's ship. Wander, Hater, and the Watchdogs step out of the Skullship and walk to the throne room while Peepers, still holding the frostonium, and Sylvia, still wearing the gauntlets, head off in another direction.) Hater: This is a bad idea. I'll send flowers instead, or maybe a series of awkward text messages. (Cut to Dominator's throne room. Wander gives Hater the thumbs up and steps away. Hater approaches Dominator in armored form.) Hater: (clears throat) ''Dominator, it is I, the Duke of Destruction, the Monarch of Mayhem, Lord Hater! ''(Lightning flashes, rock music plays. A pause.) Hater: (clears throat) ''I received your summons, and in response, I have but one thing to say. ''(Cuts to black, then shows Wander playing the piano while Hater sits on the piano and holds a microphone.) (Song: You're the Greatest) (piano music plays) Hater: I've given all I can, Tried to show you the best of me. But I can't break through, to you, Ooh ooh... So I try again, and I offer the rest of me, There's a heart inside these bones, Beats alone, So alone. So I'll do what I've not done, Ask the questions that I've asked Of no one... (Hater appears in Vaudevillian clothing and up-tempo music starts playing.) How... are... you? And how's your day going so far? Uh, what'd you have for breakfast? Was it satisfying? Do you like leisurely strolls in the park? 'Cause I do! Cat person or dog person? I know it's tough deciding. Think of the pair We could be if you'd dare To just open up your evil heart! Tell me about yourself, Don't leave anything out I can't bear to be apart! How are you? Seems like a pretty good start! Yeah! (Hater rushes back to Wander, holding a towel, and takes the towel to wipe his forehead.) Hater: ''(speaking) I think she's diggin' it! '''Wander:' This is going super well! (cut to another part of Dominator's ship.) Sylvia: 'This is going super well. A little ''too super well. There's not a bot in sight. 'Peepers: '''The ship's core is just inside. ''(enters code) ''Easy as one, two, three. ''(The door opens to reveal Dominator bots.) '''Sylvia: Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine! (Sylvia and Peepers look at each other and grin before running towards the bots, screaming. Cut back to Hater.) Hater: (singing) Your favorite color, what you did for the summer, Do you have an opinion on snow, pro or con? Mustard or mayo, Tell me what do you say, oh, I'd seriously like to know! ('''Wander and Watchdogs:' Yes, he'd seriously like'' to know...) How are you? Hater: (speaking) Fantasy sequence, boys! (Cut to Hater's fantasy. A statue of Hater and Dominator is shown. Zoom out to show Hater driving the H.A.T.E.R.V. and a Dominator, sans her helmet, riding with him.) Hater: 'Oh, I had a dream, A dream we were running, Running the galaxy side by side! It was a beautiful dream, It was a beautiful night! I had a dream... A dream that you loved me, And I held your hand in mine Then concluded at that moment, after much deliberation... I say it without hesitation, I shout it out loud! You're the greatest! Baby, you're the greatest! Ooh, you're the greatest! In the galaxyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy... SAXOPHONE! ''(Cut to Hater and Dominator dancing on a planet, while Wander performs his saxophone solo.) (Cut back to the present.) '''Hater: Can't you see I've changed? ('''Wander and Watchdogs:' You're the greatest...)'' Just wanna get to know ya, ('''Wander and Watchdogs:' You're the greatest...)'' So here I am at last, ('''Wander and Watchdogs:' Here he is at last...)'' Just one question left to ask... (speaking) Uh, yeah, so, I was wondering if maybe, um... Tuesday, if you aren't busy or anything you might wanna... hang out, or get a cup of coffee or e-espresso or something, or w-w-... whatever works for you! (beat) Hater, Wander and Watchdogs: YEAH!!!! (We hear the sound of a door open and see a shadow stretched out from the right side of the screen. Cut to Dominator, who just came out from the shower, holding a coffee mug and wearing a head towel, a bath robe, and slippers.) Dominator: What the grop is going on here? (Hater, back in his cloak, rushes to her.) Hater: ''(stammering)'' You... but... there... and also throne. Dominator: 'I was in the shower, ''that's (points to her suit) just my suit.'' '' (Cut to the throne. Her suit tilts to the front.) '''Hater: I-I received your summons to appear, and that's- Dominator: Oh, dang. Was that today? One sec. (She gulps down her coffee, hands the mug to Hater, and walks towards the throne, throwing the head towel in Hater's face. She immediately appears in her normal outfit as she puts on her helmet.) ''Okay, go ahead. Surrender. '''Hater:' (takes the towel off his face) Wait, what? Wander: I think you mean, "surrender your heart, (stroking Hater's chin) my studly skull muffin." Dominator: What? Ew! No. (The lava curtain behind the throne opens up, revealing prison cells occupied by captured villains. One of the cells has a sign for vacancy.) Hater's the only villain who hasn't bowed down before me. I called you here to admit that I'' am the greatest in the galaxy. '''Hater:' Oh, there's a whole part of the song about that. Two, three! (singing) You're the greatest! Baby-'' ''(Dominator proceeds to grab Hater and Wander.) Hater: So... you... don't want to date me? Dominator: ''(laughs)'' Oh that is- You think I- (laughing) That is too good. (Hater frowns dejectedly.) I mean it's sad for you, but- (laughs, then sighs) Let me put this a way you idiots will understand. (Song: I'm the Bad Guy) Dominator: I'm not the damsel in distress, I'm not your girlfriend or the frightened princess, I'm not a little bird who needs your help to fly. Nope, I'm the bad guy! (cut to the imprisoned villains) Dominator: '''All these former villains that you see, Each of them with shaking knees has knelt before me, So I'm not your teammate or your partner in crime. What am I, boys? '''Captured villains: She's the bad guy. Dominator: Oh, it's magic, To watch a planet, Shrivel up and die. Oh, it's thrillin', To be a villain, I destroy their homes and then I watch them cry. (laughs) '' ''(in mech voice:) 'Cause I'm the bad guy! (Cut to the ship's core. Sylvia deals with the bots while Peepers finds out about Dominator's true plan.) Peepers: '''Oh my Grop! She's not trying to conquer the galaxy so she can rule it. She wants to destroy it! Man, that's evil! '''Sylvia: (screams) (The Dominator bots have pinned down Sylvia. Peepers runs as one chases him. Collides with Sylvia and the bots. The bots have Sylvia and Peepers surrounded. Cut back to Dominator.) Dominator: (mech voice:) ''Oh, ain't it fantastic? I see something, I blast it! ''(blasts the Watchdogs into a prison cell) And let me tell you why. (Dominator presses a button and a pool of lava surrounds Hater and Wander, who has his banjo out.) (normal voice:) I've always had a weakness, For barrenness and bleakness, I crush all your hopes and then I watch you cry. (takes Wander's banjo and smashes it on the ground twice) See, I find this business rather fun. (grabs a hold of Wander and Hater) I don't want your assistance or your adulation, I'll vaporize your galaxy and bid ya bye bye! (hangs them over the pool of lava) (speaking) Why? (beat) Come on, guess! Wander and Hater: 'Cause you're the bad guy? Dominator: Or, well, girl. (evil laughter) (cuts to black, commercial break) Part 3 (Opens to the ship's core. Pan down to show a pile of Dominator bots. After a pause, Sylvia and Peepers burst out of the pile. Sylvia then launches Peepers upwards.) Peepers: Hey, Dominator, freeze! (throws the frostonium into the core) (Once the frostonium is inside the core, it explodes and starts to freeze over.) Peepers: Oh yeah! (singing) That's how I'll get her, once I get her, Dominator will- Sylvia: No time for a reprise! This whole place is gonna freeze over. We've gotta save Wander and, to a lesser extent, Hater. (Sylvia grabs Peepers's arm and leaves. Cut to Dominator, Hater and Wander. An alarm goes off.) Dominator: Oh, seriously? Be right back. (she throws Hater, Wander, and the broken banjo into the prison cell.) Dominator: Ooh, why don't you take this time to work on your death rattles? I like a "No, no, no, no, no, no!" But a "Why?!" is not without its charms. (The Watchdogs yell and escape the prison cell) Wander: 'Come on, Hater! We gotta get outta here! When I say "evac-," you say "-uate"! EVAC-! ''(pulls Hater's arm) EVAC-! (pulls Hater's arm) 'Hater: '''What's the point? She thinks I'm a joke. She might as well destroy me. ''(Wander looks sad, then he turns to his broken banjo. He picks it up, fixes it, goes to Hater, and plays a soft tune.) '''(Song: My Fair Hatey) Wander: My fair Hatey, pick your chin up. Things are bound to get better. Yeah, the gal of your dreams turned out deadly, It seems, and it's probably best you didn't wind up together. My fair Hatey, don't you give up, It ain't a total disaster. Hey, we gave it a go, Put on a heck of a show, And did a lot of fun stuff, We'll get to laugh about after. Seems like you're becoming, Becoming someone a little less full of hate. Sure, Dominator's got an unstoppable army, And a maniacal determination to destroy our whole galaxy, But you know what I think it's great? Hater: Please be quiet. Wander: '''I'm talkin' 'bout buddies, Sure seems like we're becoming friends. Buddies... '''Hater: We are not buddies. Wander:'' And buddies stay buddies till the very end. '''Hater:' Stop it! Wander: I know you'll try to deny it. Hater: I do deny it 'cause we're not! Wander: Chase me 'round the galaxy and try to hide it. Hater: I swear, if you say "buddies" one more time... Wander: 'We're buddies... ''(Hater loses his temper, screaming hysterically, blasts the wall, and starts chasing after Wander.) '''Wander: (singing faster) Sure seems like we're becoming friends. Buddies! Hater: (roars angrily) Wander: (singing faster) And buddies stay buddies 'til the very end. Hater: GET BACK HERE!! (Cut to Dominator running to the freezing core.) Dominator: Oh, grop! (Cut to Hater chasing Wander. On the other side, Sylvia and Peepers are escaping. Then they bump into each other. This repeats three times.) Sylvia: Buddy! Wander: Buddy! Wander and Sylvia: Oh, I thought I'd never see you again! Peepers: Uh, buddies? Wander and Sylvia: Buddies! Peepers: This ship's gonna blow any second now! Hater: But he keeps saying we're friends! Wander: And he keeps trying to deny it. Sylvia: Listen, buddies or no buddies, I'm not ready to die yet, so let's go! (Sylvia takes Wander, Peepers, and Hater away and they rush off. Cut to Dominator at the controls desperately trying to stop the ship from freezing.) (Alarm blaring) (The foursome approach a wall, which starts to freeze up, but Hater shoots a blast of lightning at it to break it open and they manage to escape the ship.) Dominator: No, no, no, no, no, no! (freezes up completely) (Wander forms an orbble around them. A few seconds later, Dominator's ship is completely frozen.) (Hater and Peepers are taken back to the Skullship) All: (cheering) Wander: We did it, buddies! (Hater and Peepers freeze up.) Hater and Peepers: We're not your buddies! (Dominator's ship becomes unfrozen. Now she has ice and lava powers.) Dominator: Oh man, this is so cool! Thanks, losers! (evil laughter) (Cut to Lord Hater's ship.) Hater: Now she's got lava and ice powers?! That's it, game over. We lose, Dominator rules. Peepers: No she doesn't, sir. If she destroys the entire galaxy, there'll be nothing left to rule. And you're forgetting the most important thing. Hater: What's that? (Song: You're the Greatest (reprise)) Peepers: You're the greatest. Lord Hater, you're the greatest. Hater: That's right. I'm the greatest. In the galaxy! I'm back, WHOO! Lord Hater, number one superstar, yeah! Nailed it! And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna save this galaxyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Peepers: So we can conquer it later! (Cut to Wander and Sylvia leaving.) Wander: (sighs) Syl, I really made a mess of things. Sylvia: Good. Wander: How is that good? Sylvia: Realizing that is the first step to making things right. Wander: Aw, Syl. You're the greatest! Sylvia: No, buddy. You're the greatest! Wander and Sylvia: And together, we're gonna save this galaxy! (Cut to Hater's ship.) Hater: I'm the greatest! Peepers: He's the greatest! Watchdogs: They're the greatest! (Cut back to Wander and Sylvia.) Sylvia: He's the greatest. Wander: You're the greatest. Hater: I'm the greatest in the galaxyyyyyyyyyy.......... Hater and Sylvia: yyyyyyyyyyy....... Hater, Wander, and Sylvia: yyyyyyyyyyyy....... Hater, Peepers, Wander, and Sylvia: yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy....... Dominator: Enough with the singing already! Obviously, I'm the greatest! (produces a small fire in one hand and freezes the fire with the other) Besides, show's over. (snaps fingers) (Screen cuts to black.) Category:Transcripts